Random Kuno
by Guruhoro
Summary: Short skits describing the hilarious antics of our dear friend Tatewaki Kuno. No specific reading order required! No interconnecting plot! Quick readings!
1. Random Kuno My Pig

Dis-lamer I own nothing, blah blah blah, Rumiko Takahashi and copyright holders, yada yada yada, no infringement intended, ubuti ubuti ubuti, independent piece of fanfiction.  
  
Author's Notes: This series of Random Kuno is a tribute to the one and only Tatewaki Kuno whom we all have a profound lack of respect for. I'll be writing short stories that depict our friend in more or less humorous circumstances. This one features a very dismayed P-chan. On with the Random Kuno show!  
  
Random Kuno - My Pig Ranma was furious. His morning had been the familiar series of bad stuff concentrating on him as it usually did. First he had had to stop sleeping. That was bad. He had been in the middle of one of his favourite dreams of beating Ryouga and laughing at the poor boy. His alarm clock had gone off at a bad time - while he was asleep - and had suffered the consequences. Ranma would need a new alarm clock. Then his usual morning training. He had been too annoyed to concentrate, and ended up in the koi pond. The curse was still every bit as annoying as it had been when he recieved it. A pot of boiling water poured over her head did not calm him down, either. Then breakfast. Kasumi was off on a trip, and nobody had remembered to think of breakfast, until it was too late. Nobody except for Akane, and when she had used up most of their ingredients to cook breakfast, that none of them could eat - the food escaped under its own power - Ranma was left very hungry and even more annoyed. Then Ranma had grumbled about Akane's poor cooking, resulting in yet another session of malleting. For Ranma, this was not unusual. But after getting splashed with cold water on the way to school for the fifth time, she was extremely annoyed, to say the least. She remained quiet for the entire walk to the school. Deviating from his standard procedure, Kuno had taken up a waiting position outside the school gates. He spotted Ranma-chan and Akane from a distance, and loudly announced: "Ah, there come my lovely ladies, the gentle and charming Akane, and the energetic pig-tai-" He was abruptly cut short by Ranma-chan hitting him upside the head. This was not like the countless other times that had happened. This time Ranma was nearly bursting with ki gathered from her built-up anger. Kuno sank waist-deep into the pavement. Ranma-chan and Akane walked past him in silence, preparing for the masses waiting for them inside the gates. Kuno, meanwhile, was fighting off a severe concussion of the brain. The needle of his mind had slipped off the track on the disc of his prepared speeches, and he was absent-mindedly repeating one word. "Pig-pig-pig-hey, there's a pig!" Kuno snapped out of his trance as a tiny black pig with a yellow and black bandanna walked past, looking hopelessly lost. He tried to remember why he was repeating the word pig. Suddenly it all came back to him. "Oh, sweet pig, I, Tatewaki Kuno, also known as the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, have been blinded by your radiant beauty! Long have I awaited for you, my true love, but now my days of waiting are over! I shall embrace thee and carry thee to my humble abode." Kuno scooped up the dumbfounded pig and nuzzled his face against it. He held it tightly in his arms as he walked away from the school, mumbling sweet nonsense into the swine's ear. The pig frantically, but unsuccessfully, attempted to escape the embrace. Its voice faded away as it was carried away. "Squeeeeeee." 


	2. Random Kuno My DumplingHeaded Goddess

Dis-lamer I own nothing, blah blah blah, Rumiko Takahashi and copyright holders, yada yada yada, no infringement intended, ubuti ubuti ubuti, independent piece of fanfiction.  
  
Author's Notes: This series of Random Kuno is a tribute to the one and only Tatewaki Kuno whom we all have a profound lack of respect for. This time we are going to make fun of Kuno by associating his style of speech with another similar poetic-romantic-freak. And down we go.  
  
Random Kuno - My Dumpling-headed Goddess  
  
Tatewaki Kuno was sitting in his room, looking at pictures of his two beloved girls. That Nabiki Tendo is truly a skilled merchant, and apt at seizing every chance of profit she sees. I will nevertheless pay her price, for she is also the only one in possession of the means and knowledge to produce these wonderful treasures. His thoughts were interrupted by the voice of his sister, Kodachi. "Dear brother, a young man by the name of Chiba requests your audience." Tatewaki swiftly replaced the pictures of Ranma and Akane in underwear - separately of course - in his hand to their rightful position in a wooden box in his bottom drawer, which he locked. It is not as if these works of art were a manifestation of sin, but rather of a still one-sided love. However, my family would not understand the quality of my affection. Out loud he said: "Very well. I shall take it out of my valuable time to confer with this friend of mine." He started to walk towards the stairs leading to the ground floor and the front door, but his sister's voice chimed after him. "Brother dear, he is on the telephone." "Ah, of course." Tatewaki turned back and took the cordless phone his sister held out. "It is I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of -" He was cut short by the voice of Mamoru Chiba on the other end of the line. "Hello, man. There's no time for that now. I have an emergency at hand-" "Speak, my friend." "-namely I'm sick, and it seems my girl needs a hand again. So could you stand in for me once more, pal? You know, be back in black." "Certainly, my friend and colleague grandiloquent knight. I will protect thy honour in the eyes of thy chosen maiden." "Thanks, man. I owe you one. I can do next Monday's morning fight at Furinkan, I've got no classes before noon." "That would be delightful. I hope you will be rid of your malady as soon as possible, friend. Now, If you will excuse me, I would prepare for the substitution." "Okay. Try not to get revealed. Bye." "Until we speak again." Tatewaki heard the click of the line being closed from the other end, and positioned the phone on a nearby desk. He rushed to his room, closing the door after him. I must hurry myself. It is an unfortunate fact that as Chiba can transform into the noble tuxedo of a defender of the Sailor Scouts, I must suffer the delay of dressing up. He pulled a book in his bookshelf - The Modern Knight - and the shelf slid aside to reveal a small alcove, in which a black tuxedo hung from the ceiling. He began to hastily remove his gi and hakama.  
  
* * *  
  
Sailor Moon hit the wall hard and slumped to the floor. Is this how it will end? A light "pouf" and a flash of light attracted her attention, and behold; Tuxedo Mask had arrived! Although he did look a bit different, but you couldn't really tell with the concealing mask and all that. Tuxedo Mask opened his mouth. and shut it again. He mumbled something under his breath, then straightened up as he announced: "Have faith, my beloved dumpling- headed goddess! Our path together shall not end today. Thee shall find it in thy heart, the strength to carry on this epic crusade against those who seek to lay waste to Tokyo and mankind." Sailor Moon felt rays of hope tearing apart the shroud of despair, and got up shakily. I can do it. Together with my friends. As she rushed back into the battle, she wondered why Tuxedo Kamen had sounded a bit different today. Dumpling-headed goddess? 


	3. Random Kuno Cool

Dis-lamer I own nothing, blah blah blah, Rumiko Takahashi and copyright holders, yada yada yada, no infringement intended, ubuti ubuti ubuti, independent piece of fanfiction.  
  
Author's Notes: This series of Random Kuno is a tribute to the one and only Tatewaki Kuno whom we all have a profound lack of respect for. This chapter is my personal advice to the guy. Not to be taken seriously. For a change, it's first-person perspective.  
  
Random Kuno - Cool I began my declaration of unwavering love, which would surely captivate the hearts of my beloved women. This time, it was carefully planned to entice them to me. "I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Th-" That was as far as I got before being stomped to the ground. As I came to a couple of minutes later, I found Gosunkugi crouching next to me. The pale boy had apparently been waiting. "That won't work" he calmly announced. "It hasn't worked before, and it won't work in the future." This was most insulting! What did this boy know? "Nonsense," I said, "If only I could have spoken my-" He interrupted me. "They'd have flattened you anyway. Can't you see? Ancient babbling just doesn't work on ladies anymore." Most uncouth behavior of him, that mocking of my arduously worded art. I inquired him as to the specifics of his opinion. "What reasoning do you have to back up your blasphemous accusations?" "See it like this. The pig-tailed goddess is the embodiment of 'sporty' and 'energetic'. That kind of girls don't read much of your fancy high-fly books, so she probably doesn't know words like." he blinked. ".the ones you use too much. And Akane is a macho tomboy-" How dare he! I struck him atop the head with my bokken, lightly of course. There was some truth in what he said about the pig-tailed goddess, but. "Akane is the sweetest, most gentle girl that has ever graced this Earth since time immemorial. You have no right nor reason to utter such blatant lies." He looked kind of lost, as if he did not see the meaning of my words. "Uh. Yeah. Like, she's so innocent and pure, that she's like one of them." He seemed to struggle hard against some demons of the mind to utter the next word. ".cute shepherd chicks. And shepherds don't know fancy words, do they?" This was indeed true. How could I have been so blind as not to even consider this chance? It must be that the rosy veil of love had covered my eyes, for I was not a foolish man by nature. "Tell me more about this." "Yes, Yes. I have a cunning plan." Within half an hour he had me convinced of if not the usefulness, then at least the welcome change inherent in the plan. It was hard to be noble  
  
That night I stood in front of a mirror, doing the practices Gosunkugi had suggested me to use in altering myself. My gi and hakama had been cast aside in favor of clothes suggested by the pale fellow: A white T-shirt and blue jeans. They were barbaric and certainly looked out of place on my upper-class figure. I looked at my posture. Straight-backed and rigid as a real noble should be. But now, I would have to break it. I laid my weight on one leg, slowly relaxing the other. I put my hands slowly into my pockets, letting the thumbs remain outside, as instructed. I still looked rigid compared to other people I had seen in similar garb. I had to relax myself, for the sake of my beloved ones. Slowly, very slowly, I squeezed the tension out of my muscle and tendon. From within me spoke a voice, commanding me to stop this ridiculousity at once, but I stifled it with the power of my unwavering devotion to a set purpose. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could nearly have passed for a mediocre young man. I was satisfied with that. Next would be the hard part. Setting my mind to operate on that one task only, I said to my mirror image: "Cool." I remained prolongedly awake - no, stayed up long, remember - that night.  
  
In the morning, as I waited - see, I thought waited, not awaited - with Gosunkugi for my dears, I was trembling with fear. I wasn't - see, see? An apostrophe - really familiar with this feeling, and that made it a lot worse. As the time came for me to step out into the street and say my new greeting. I turned tail and ran away.  
  
My sister came up to me and asked: "Brother dear. Why did you not participate in education today, brother dear? And what is that you're wearing?" She looked a little worried. Now was the perfect time to test my new skills in a relatively danger-free area. What could happen to me at home? I leaned sideways against the wall, crossed my arms in front of my chest, and said: "Hi, sis. I wasn't in the mood to go, so I stayed home and watched TV And these are my new clothes. Like them?" In fact, I had trained more common-ness, because there was nothing good on TV, and the clothes were borrowed from Gosunkugi's elder brother. Kodachi's mouth gaped like a fish's as she tried to speak. Finally she made some sort of a conclusion. She straightened up and pointed a finger at my face. "Who are you, vile perpetrator, who have stolen the identity of my dear brother?" It was kind of funny, watching her act like a fool. Lucky thing I wasn't like that. I had realised the complicated Ranma - pig-tailed goddess -business in the blink of an eye. "Relax, sis. It's me, so don't wave that hand in front of my face. Can't I lay back for a while and act normal?" Actually, it was very hard, and I was sweating, and a part of me kept wanting to run away to my gi and hakama. Naturally, my little sister couldn't take it, and fainted. After carrying her to bed and seeing that she was sleeping comfortably, I returned to my room to practice.  
  
I stepped out to the street to face my girls. This time I was ready. I let the inspiration flow. "Hold it right there, chicks." They looked at me weirdly. "Yes, I'm Tatewaki, not a fake, the real me. I just wanna tell you one thing. I've finally understood that ancient babbling ain't in no more, and I've decided to become normal. Just one of the guys. That okay with you folks?" Akane blinked twice, then a smile began to spread across her face. The pig-tailed goddess nearly exploded with happiness. "No more of that Blue Thunder -talk?" Her face absolutely radiated. "Oh, Kuno I could kiss you. ack! Well. what the hell, okay!" The pig-tailed goddess leaped at me, wrapping her arms around my body, and pushed her face up to mine. She tilted her head to the side, and suddenly our lips were crushed together in a passionate kiss. After recovering my senses I held her close for a moment or an eternity, who knows. It exceeded my wildest expectations. Then she drew away, blushing like hell. Ah, she was so cute right then, so shy and embarrassed to share an honest kiss with a guy in public. Akane stood next to us, her expression likening Kodachi's when my little sister heard me speak in my street style. She grabbed the pig-tailed goddess' arm and dragged her away, still looking dumb-struck. That didn't keep her from repeatedly malleting the redhead. Oh, how nice. She must be jealous. I ran after them, slowing to a walk to keep even with them as I asked the redhead: "Will you go out with me? She was still smiling. "Nope. But maybe if you keep talking normally." Akane gaped at this. Yes! My plan had worked! Well, it was Gosunkugi's but who cares? I was finally set for the happiness of my life. I only had one thing to say. "Cool." 


End file.
